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A Christmas Letter from Mom

Dear darling son and that what’s her name, person you married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry, I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important this is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies!

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they will stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me, we buried grandma last week, I know she died years ago, but I got a yearning for a good funeral, so aunt Viola and I had her dug up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would never have let you come. I bet she hasn’t even watched the video of my surgery has she?

Well son, it’s time to crawl off to bed now. I lost me cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off, but I’m grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don’t you even think about sending me any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grandbabies, and regards to whatever her name is, the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas, Love Mom

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